I love Billy Crudup. Good actor. Cute guy.
posted by Joe 6:37 PM
I get jealous about EVERYTHING.
It's sad. Now, I'm jealous of older, mid-life men who are just coming out after having had a wife and kids and presumably a career that affords him a wife and kids. McGreevey is one example and other articles I'm reading. Why am I jealous!?!??! Don't I have to have a happy life during those intermitten years that these guys were miserable? But I feel like they were having it both ways (gay bars occasionally; steady family and income otherwise). And I'm doing neither!
Two kids came into the store today (separately; but with respective parents). And they were so cute. I love babies/toddlers. But then I wouldn't know what to do with them after they reach 5. :) I want a family. But I have no man, nor do I have money. I can't even take care of myself.
posted by Joe 8:28 AM
I'm really down. I'm entering my last week of work and I'm really nervous about the transition work that I have to do. My replacement/consultant is here and is shadowing me and I don't have all the information to provide for him yet.
The new apartment is also ready but I'm not excited at all. I have this ambivalent relationship to Joe. And to all those folks at the house. I like them. But then I hate them. I feel bad when I'm around them. I feel like the dumbest person, the least accomplished, and the most lost. And I don't know how I'm going to deal with living with such people. It's not that I think I'm better than my current roommates. We're just all living and struggling and thinking together. It's not like I don't think that my current roommates have it better now either. I think they're doing well; they're young; they have plans; they have their men.
Everything just gets me down. Friendster makes me depressed. I see all the hot guys and their hot friends. And I don't have those friends. And my current friends don't seem to help me out in this department. It sucks. I don't do well by myself. Could use their help but they don't know gay guys. Or I'm too embarassed to ask for such help.
I have no interests and no experiences and no stories. I'm just a loser. Nothing special about me. :( Argh!!!
posted by Joe 8:01 PM
There's so much about gay history that I don't know. There's a lot of about Asian-American history that I don't know. There's a lot about history I don't know. When I read that first sentence, I felt bad because there is so much fighting that was done for gay people like me to live free. And I don't know about their struggles or even care. But my Asian-American forefathers or even my parents had similar struggles and I don't know care. I've been aware of my parents and of being Asian for as long as I can remember, so I should care more about them and their struggles. But I don't and I have almost no regrets about that. Hmm...why?
posted by Joe 2:44 PM
February 13, 2004
I have this overwhelming desire to tell people that I am gay. I don't necessarily want to shout it from the rooftops to strangers. Side note: It's ironic that strangers I meet already make this assumption; it's my friends and family who insist that I'm not.
I do want to tell the people I know that I am gay because
* It's new news to them
* I want to share
I hesitate because
* It's inappropriate to the audience (for example, why would my boss need to know though we have a good friend-ly relationship as well as a working one)
* It'll put undue stress and discomfort on them for having a gay friend/brother/son/coworker (if they're not used to it)
posted by Joe 8:45 PM
April 19, 2004
I am bothered that I may not have said all the things I should have when I spoke to Adam last night. I wanted to tell him that I'm sorry, that I'd still like to be friends and that I think he's a great guy. Now I don't know if and when I should say these things. I feel my opportunity to do so has been lost.
Part of me wants to be conscious that this not all about me. I'm not hurting as much as he is since I dint put myself out there like he has. The other part of me is sad, wanting to be consumed by my loss of a friend and the community that comes from that. I can be both of course. I can be sympathetic to his hurt and be hurting myself. I just don't want to go over- (or under-) board with either.
Of the four gay guys that I have met since I've come out, none have worked out. Part of it was compatibility issues (they want to see me and I don't feel the same way, or vice versa); the other part was the expedited dating/hook-up ritual. Quick ramp-up inevitably led to quick break-up. That has been my experience anyway. I'm swearing off (online or offline) dating for now. I'm up for meeting new people but I'm not going head-long into relationships. And if that means I get guys who would lose interest in me because of that, then they're not the type of guys with whom I want to get together. It's going to be a lonely life. =)
posted by Joe 8:23 PM
I'm dating Adam now. He's younger and more femme. And I don't know how to deal. More with the latter than the former. What is our sex life going to be. We've already had sex but nothing, er, insertive. And I've been the bottom with Dennis and a little with Robert. Come to think of it, Robert and I had a weird sexual relationship. He did fuck me once. I wanted that so much because I did like him but I wasn't totally comfortable with my body. But that's over and done with. So, with Adam, we only do just rubbing and mutual masturbation. And I'm just not comfortable that that is all he wants. Do I want more? Yeah, I do want more sometimes. And I've been conditioned with gay porn that sex is supposed to be more too. I don't know. I feel bad. Should I be upfront with potential guys that I am a bottom and therefore he should be a top? When does that come in? And should we have sex first, a relationship later? I think there's something wrong with that. I have standards and morals, even if I *am* gay.
posted by Joe 1:27 PM
12-1-03
I like Robert a lot. I like him a lot. I've known him for 7 days, seen him 3 times, and slept over his place once.
Why? I'll be brutally honest. Of course people know why they like something or not. I don't buy it when people say "I don't know" to that question. They are probably hiding their true motives or reason for fear of being embarrassed by the truth. My true reasons?
1. He likes kissing. I like that too. I want a man who likes that.
2. He allowed me to stay over night in his bed so soon. And it was OK that we didn't fuck.
3. His back is an errogenous zone and he made me feel useful because I could caress that part of the body and make him feel good.
4. When we fooled around, he would just squeeze me and hug me really tight, just to hold me.
5. He likes to cuddle before, during, and after.
6. I could make friends through him (far below the top 5 items though).
Honestly, that's all.
I know about his career plans. I think it's cool. I don't think too much about it and how it would affect our future together.
I know a little about his past and how he loves his exboyfriend but it could never work out because they're not sexually compatible. I don't take into account the consequences that could mean if we ever got together that he could drop me for his ex if anything ever changed between them too.
Perhaps, I should think of him as just a fuck buddy. I did with Dennis and it turned out well. Well, that is until he told me about how he's been in a long-term, long distance, hard-to-define relationship for the last 7 years.
posted by Joe 4:44 PM
11-03-2003
In my life right now, being gay is a big part of it. Some people say that they're gay but that is not all that they are. Of course, it's not all that you are, it's all of *who* you are. And you can't turn off or on who you are.
So, I'm gay. It's who I am. It's not what I do (because you can stop doing certain things).
My gaydar is really clouded these days partially because I'm just a horn-dog. I mean, every guy I think is cute I think is gay. Gaydar is not thinking that he's cute but rather assessing whether he is gay or not...because in reality gay men *can* be unattractive (take me for example).
Was watching Queer as Folk. I'm noticing that the group of four friends are markedly different "types" of gay: hedonistic top, boy next door, nelly bottom, not drop dead gorgeous. I think it's rare that four such different guys would be such close friends. I don't see that in the real world. I admit that I don't know too many gay people, let alone their circle of friends. But I see gay people stick to their type, on the streets, in restaurants.
Have you noticed that I'm writing a lot about gay stuff? I can't seem to get that off my mind. It's a new thing; it's kind of exciting, kind of scary. I'm feeling my way through it; don't want to be too obnoxious about it; don't want to necessarily hide it.
Life goals:
* get buyer job
* get great at buyer job
* make money doing buyer job and extracurricular work that builds reputation and personal wealth (but not that side business that Dad wants me to do)
* find the right guy along the way (who'll want kids because...)
* have kids
* live in the City with partner and kid(s)
Religion: I can't believe that I'm not interested in the love story of Jesus and Christians. I mean, I'm interested in other beautiful, touching stories. I appreciate the beauty in nature and in man-made objects. I think that today I cannot separate the religiousity of religion from the beauty of it. When I am able to rid myself of religion's hold on me about obedience and its restrictions, then I can perhaps come to appreciate the love story of it all. But how can I do that when I've disconnected myself from it?
posted by Joe 4:44 PM
11-01-03
I don't know why but I miss Dennis. Perhaps I like the idea that I have someone to miss at all. After all, this is the man I am sleeping with. I do have some sort of relationship with him. To say that I miss him is not unreasonable. However, gay men who think you're their fuck buddy don't really deserve too much missin' (if that's even a word). He said in no uncertain terms that he is not ready for a relationship. I am good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be his boyfriend. In all honesty, he isn't boyfriend material either. He's FOB-y, and way too secretive about things. Perhaps, he's doing that to keep up with his assertion that this is just a physical relationship. Despite having said that he does not want a relationship (and he didn't say that it was I that he didn't want to have a relationship with), he still text-messages me asking me to come over. If I wans't so naive (and I'm not), I'd think they were just booty calls (in my case, booty text messages). And almost every single time I have eagerly obliged. I do want to have sex with him, in big part because he wants to have sex with me. He's been very patient with and forgiving of all my first-time sex experiences. He has taken the lead in every single way and I've let him. I want to. I think I'd do that with the next guy I sleep with. I'm just a nelly bottom, as they say. I don't really feel the need to change that. I'm not too ashamed of it. I might be, when more people who realize the submissive nature of that position know my sexual positional preference.
This is just sex. I have to think of that like that. I can't miss him in a way a man misses his boyfriend. I must miss him because I'm horny and I want someone to fuck me. But I can't. I'm human and I'm girly. If we were to stop sleeping together because he found a boyfriend and it just got tired for either/both of us, then I wouldn't know what I would do in terms of my sex life. I'm too scared to find someone else. What if he doesn't like me? What if he's cool and could do so much better and found me a waste of time? What if my dick is waaay too small for him? What if he's too rough and doesn't care?
I can't believe sex is so trivial to gay men. It's a gross generalization, I realize. But the media certainly doesn't debunk that belief. Gay friends of my straight (female) friends all seem to have "trick doors" to their apartments where cute (or not so cute) boys come and go. I am definitely treating sex pretty casually with Dennis. I can't believe that I've had this man physically in me. That's supposed to be important right? NOt the physicality of it, but the symbolism of being the closest that you can physically get with another person. As I've argued before, having sex with person A doesn't make having sex with person B less special because it's not your first time. So, I'm looking forward to the next guy I have sex with. Hopefully, it'll be someone that I love and who loves me for more than just sex. But if he doesn't love me for more than that, but is decent, fun and a good kisser, I'm not going to complain at all!
I keep checking my cell phone to see if he wrote me. I just wrote him a text message and he hasn't responded yet. It's been 3 minutes! I realize that's not a lot of time but he usually responds right away. Unless he's fucking someone else. Would I be upset if he was? Deep down - yes. Right above that - I guess not so much. I would hope that he would tell me though.
I'm excited that he's suggesting a threesome. :) I wonder who we could get. We're both dorky. And Asian. That doesn't help the gay cause AT ALL. I think he likes that I like to be adventurous like that. I would love that experience. Just to say that I've done it. I guess I must ask myself if that is an experience that I would want.
posted by Joe 4:44 PM