I'm always saying that I really don't want to be in a relationship. The commitment is too much for me to handle.
My mom sent me an Easter card. She said that work is just a part of life. "You must do something that you need or like to do. I know you don't like your job, but if you do it in another attitude, maybe you'll find some fun in your job. Then you may feel happier." She realizes I'm sad. I've never really said that much about it. But I am. Moms can tell, I guess.
On the elevator ride up to my apartment from my mailroom since I opened this card, I thought about why I was really sad. I'm sad, honestly, because I'm not in a relationship. But I don't want to be in a regular relationship. I want to be in a gay one. I think. I'm not sure. I guess I'm not lying when I say I don't want a relationship when people ask, because they're insinuating a heterosexual one. I don't want that one. I do want to commit to someone, to find someone to share things with, to kiss him, to hold his hand, to enjoy art and music and movies with him. I think that would be fun. But I can't do that, now, can I? That's why I'm not happy.
So, this sadness manifests itself in arrogance and self-serving deprecation. I'm against going to church or singing worship songs and I really don't have a solid reason.I think I'm annoying people with my moodiness, my negative. If I'm going to rebel, then I think people are thinking that I should just REBEL. But I'm not. I'm still holding on to this good Asian Christian (but misguided) act. Fuck this. I'm too chicken-hearted to rebel, I'm too stubborn to repent.
Fuck me.
posted by Joe 5:51 PM